Personal ramblings: Mercury retrograde? Or just enough is enough?

The last six months–well, nine, really–have been challenging for me on the interpersonal front.

First things first. I’m a Libra. I like harmony. I go to great lengths to keep from making waves. But then, I also like balance, and when things become intolerably imbalanced, I will make BIG FUCKING WAVES. And hate every minute of it and alienate people in the process. It’s not pretty.

The pattern of my life for the last nine months largely revolves around people not keeping commitments to me. They will offer to do something and then just appear to forget, or disappear entirely for weeks or months at a time.

People have offered to beta read for me, then never responded after I sent them my story. People have offered to help me brainstorm, then never responded when I detailed my plot for them and pointed out where I am having issues. People have offered to answer questions I need for research for a story and then never responded. People have agreed to have discussions we need to have and then never brought the subject up again when the next chance arose to discuss it. People have told me they would have things done by a certain time and then they don’t.

I did a headcount of situations off the top of my head where I have been left hanging and I estimate that the number of people who haven’t kept their commitments to me in the last nine months outnumber the ones who have by a margin of about 6-to-1.

Six to fucking one. For every six people who tell me they’re going to do something, only one carries through in a remotely timely manner (and that is if I’m being generous with the definition of “timely.”)

Now, I am conscientious to a fault. When I agree to do something for someone, I am ALL OVER THAT SHIT. I drop everything, I get it done, because I hate to leave people hanging. And why do I hate to leave people hanging? Golden rule, baby. Because I don’t want to be left hanging. Because being left hanging sucks. And it feels awful. It makes me feel unimportant and unappreciated and taken advantage of and like I’m a frickin’ doormat.

Inevitably, my choices are to either nudge the person in question or let it go.

If I let it go, not only do I not get what I was promised, but I feel resentful. Then I feel guilty because I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect people to carry through when they say they will. I mean, people are busy, right? Shit comes up. I must be an ungrateful brat if I expect them to drop everything and deal with my issue because I’m not that important and they have better things to worry about and really I just need to get over myself. Right? If I feel resentful, I’m an awful, selfish, ungrateful person who had no business expecting someone to keep their freely-given, often unsolicited, commitment to begin with.

The other option is to nudge the person and try to remind them of their commitment. Which I admit I don’t do often because I wonder what right I have to ask anything of anyone else when they have their own lives and own shit and see the latter 3/4 of the last paragraph. Nudging makes me feel just as guilty as being quietly resentful does. But sometimes it gets things done. Sometimes. Sometimes I just have to deal with them APOLOGIZING and knowing that I made them feel bad about it, so I hasten to reassure that it’s not their fault and I understand and recognize that they’re doing me a favor and that I’m not really all that important in the great scheme of things because I don’t want to be an awful person and I don’t want them to feel bad about themselves.

At any rate, I feel like I’m on the verge of a major social meltdown where I just explode all over everyone about this stuff and that isn’t good. At all. The other option is just to give up and withdraw from people altogether and that isn’t good, either.

Ugh. Imbalance everywhere. What’s a beleaguered Libra to do? It would be one thing if it were just one or two people, but it’s on nearly every single front in my life.

So tired of it. So tired.

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